Break-In / Breakdown

 "...next on Oprah..." 

The purpose of my renting the little house that we are calling the "summer serenity cottage" is exactly that: serenity. 

In other words: peace and quiet. Specifically: an escape from the intolerable roof noise and vibration at my regular place. A sabbatical, a slow-down, serenity. Plus: time to contemplate, rejuvenate, decorate!

The purpose is not drama, dismay, or danger. Yet, that's what yesterday seemed to bring when an uninvited visitor broke into my cottage and had a breakdown. 

Literally.

In the (long!) post below, I'll tell you about: 

• this tense human drama (opposite of serene: tense!),
• how I performed a security assessment of the cottage afterward,
• what vulnerabilities I discovered -- such as a critical interior door with no lock! -- and
• what solutions I decided to implement.
• There's also a Ferris Bueller clip (the kick!), some philosophy, and lots of photos of what's going on in the cottage of course (including 2 of sweet Jorji the cat toward the bottom of the post).
• And, more!

After the unhappiness of an unexpected break-in by an unexpected intruder, all of which was actually strangely expected yet still thoroughly unacceptable, the next day, as I was moving forward with solutions, I enjoyed a happy and scheduled appearance by my dear friend Richard Dayhoff, fashion designer extraordinaire, who was indeed on Oprah as per the opening quote of this post, and whose thoughtful conversation and positive energy were a balm! 

Scroll to the end of this post for a double selfie of Richard and me, and one of me, both of which Richard took.

In addition, I also got to experience, again, the serenity that is inside me no matter how tense a situation is. Hint: 3 deep breaths can change your life.

This is a therapeutic post for me, so here we go!

There was a break-in. And the person who broke in, broke down

Have you ever been alone in a house, and then, with a blood-chilling feeling, realized you were not actually alone in the house?

This happened to me yesterday. I was upstairs in the home office that I set up in the cottage, on a video call with a dear client, a wonderful student whom I have the privilege and honor of tutoring. I heard a couple of slamming noises, then nothing, and thought it might have been something outside. A minute or so later I heard another noise, louder and closer, and I felt a feeling, and I realized someone had entered the cottage. 

My blood ran cold, and my heart started beating rapidly. I told my student: excuse me but I think someone has come into the house, and I need to go downstairs carefully and check it out, and I will bring the laptop with me.

I walked down the stairs, my heart feeling like it might beat out of my chest, and heard shouting. It was the owner of the house, inside the kitchen!

He had apparently let himself in through the basement door, climbed the basement stairs, and opened the door to the kitchen -- which I later discovered upon closer assessment had no lock, just an empty and non-functioning latch bracket -- where he was standing and shouting my name, shouting insults at me, and shouting that he couldn't wait for me to move out. He was flapping his arms, and looked angry, red-faced, and out of control. Then he started crying. Crying, and shaking with violent sobs. 

Dementia, I thought.

I knew I needed to get control of the situation, and that I could do that by getting control of myself. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

I will let you read the email I sent later that afternoon to his son about the incident -- to let him know that essentially his 78-year-old father broke into my house and had a breakdown -- and to express concern for his father as well as to emphasize the importance of preventing a repeat of this stunt. Breaking into my house and surprising me and shouting at me is not ok. Here is the email in full:

 

Subject: Strange situation

 

Hi [name of son],

 

I hope you and your family are well, and over your summer colds!

I really hate to bug you but feel I have to let you know about a strange situation that occurred this afternoon: your dad surprised me by coming into the house unannounced today, through the basement. I was on a call with a client, and my heart nearly beat out of my chest when I heard the door open and someone come inside! 

Your dad came into the house and started shouting at me. He said he was angry with me for not answering the doorbell. I wasn't totally sure what he meant, and my heart was still in palpitations. I'd heard the doorbell ring earlier but was on a client call as mentioned, and thought it was UPS ringing with a package as they do before leaving it on the porch. Maybe your dad rang and got mad for some reason when I didn't answer? But sometimes people don't answer doorbells. His reaction was inappropriate and extreme, and I say with all respect that he didn't give the impression of someone in his right mind.

I asked your father why he had come inside and what was going on, but he kept shouting at me, in a mean tone and kind of incoherently, and then he started crying. Really crying, and shaking. It was all quite shocking, and also felt invasive and disrespectful. I hardly need to say I'm not used to people coming in unannounced, or shouting at me, and I didn't know what to make of what looked like a breakdown that your dad was having before my eyes.

After I was able to calm myself down a bit, I tried to calm him down. I told him that he gave me a terrible scare by entering the house without warning, and that I wasn't angry, but that next time he shouldn't just come in and surprise me, or shout at me, but that we should find some time to talk calmly and politely. But he kept shouting, and saying he couldn't wait for me to move out, and he kept crying, and then he left, still agitated. 

And all of this happened while my client was on a zoom with me; she saw and heard the whole thing. Fyi this was a client in the tutoring work that I do, a 17-year-old girl who is the stepdaughter of a friend of mine from college. She was pretty distraught by all of this too, actually.

Beyond my shocked feelings, [name of son], I am worried about your dad, because he's your dad and you're a good person who's important to me, and because I know he's a good person. He didn't seem like the cheerful healthy fellow I first met, but like someone depressed, angry, and out of control, out of proportion to the situation. I've been giving him dark chocolate bars this summer, as he mentioned he likes dark chocolate, and when I had a few girlfriends over for a small housewarming gathering last month, we had him in and fixed him a plate of fruit and pastries and welcomed him to our conversation. I thought your dad and I were on friendly terms. I have a sense that his behavior today wasn't about me, but that he was out of control for some other reason, though of course I don't know what was in his mind.

I wish I didn't have this news to share with you! Do you know if your dad is sick perhaps, or under a lot of stress somehow, or what do you make of this? 

Going forward, I'd like to stay in the house through August as planned, while my condo is undergoing the roof issues I'd mentioned. I've already paid your father for the summer through August as you know. The movers are scheduled to come back on August 26. I have been enjoying this charming house and quiet neighborhood, and in fact I just finished lightly decorating the guest room this morning, in anticipation of a visit from my mother. I'm grateful to you and your dad for making this summer rental possible. I just don't want to experience another scare like we had today, or to have your father suffer as he was clearly suffering today, or to have my mother surprised while she is here should your father walk in on her.

Again, I know your dad is a good guy, and I think he might need some care. I truly hope he will be ok. 

I welcome your thoughts, would be glad to get on a call with you, and thought I should write this out for you as well. 

Thank you so much, and here's to positive outcomes --

 

Valerie

Here is the son's reply, also in full:

 Wow I have to run out right now I will call him Tonight

One of the names the uninvited landlord spat at me with a sort of petulant sneer when he was shouting verbal abuse at me in my kitchen was "lawyer." It is well known that I was a lawyer in my first career. Is it somehow not well known that it is illegal for a landlord to enter a tenant's home without invitation, authorization, or notice, or to harass the tenant? It is THE TENANT'S HOME. 

As a lawyer, I took an oath to uphold the Constitution. So do police officers. As you'll see below, it doesn't seem at this time that there is a proper plan or understanding to make sure there is not a repeat of this incident, or that the dad is receiving any sort of care, and it does seem that there is a pattern of bullying. If you know me, you know that I am sweet, and also that I do not tolerate bullying. 

If I decide to remain at the cottage, and if there is an intruder in my cottage again despite the security measures I am implementing below -- out of my pocket! -- why wouldn't I call the police? I do not want to intrude into this family. But will the dad stop intruding into my house and peace of mind?

Conversations

Later that night, after the above email exchange, I spoke on the phone with the son. While we had a nice conversation, we disagreed about the seriousness of the incident. The son said his dad is simply "emotional," "lonely," and "from another era," and that he told him not to "bother" me. I said that's fine, but that this is really about his dad's health, and about respecting my boundaries and respecting me. 

After all, we might all feel emotional or lonely sometimes, or like we're from another era, planet, or multi-dimensional cosmos!, but we don't break into people's houses and shout at them and start crying. Similarly, regarding this doorbell business, we might all ring someone's doorbell or try to reach them and find they don't answer, but that is not a reason to break into their houses, shout, and cry!

Short interlude of questions:

• Does it seem to you that the dad might have dementia? 
• Do you wonder if the dad would have entered the house if sweet Jorji the cat had been big Doggy the doberman? Or if I'd been a man?

The son said he and his wife would try to come by the next evening, which would have been tonight, so we could all talk. But this afternoon he canceled, due to the possibility of rain. It didn't rain, though.

I feel for the son, and for the dad, yet I don't think that the important issues are being addressed, nor do I know why the son feels confident that the dad will behave respectfully and won't enter the house again. A son tells his dad to stop bothering the tenant; do parents do what their kids tell them to do?

I took a walk to clear my head and calm my heart after the incident -- and after what before and after the incident was a very positive tutoring call -- and I called my mother. I feel lucky to have a close relationship with her, and to have access to her wisdom and perspective, which she shared regarding this incident. 

Walking through the nearby prairie preserve and breathing fresh Nature was also calming, and beautiful. 

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

The beauty of the area is part of why I was excited to rent the house in the first place. I've always thought that people who don't think the Midwest is beautiful haven't seen it. Great Lakes glory!

In addition, I spoke last night with the stepmother of my student to let her know what had happened, because my student had seen and heard the entire incident via video call and was alarmed too. My student had said the man's behavior was horrible, invasive, and disrepectful -- good vocabulary words, which I then used in the email above! I apologized to my student and to the stepmother that my student had to experience such a scene! 

The rest of our tutoring session was indeed extremely positive, and I assured the student and then the stepmother that I would make sure we never had such a disruption again, even if it meant doing our sessions offsite. The student was positive about going forward with whatever will work, and the stepmother was incredibly gracious.

Security vulnerabilities

It was clearly time for a security assessment. I had not focused on this before. Last night, I began. 

I surveyed all of the door entrances to the cottage. (Windows are another matter, but would in general be trickier to access -- just getting them open was truly a whole other blog post! -- and since the house owner came through a door, I started by focusing on doors.) 

There are 4 doors accessing the cottage: 

1. The front door, which is reached from the outside by climbing stairs to the front porch, and which has a deadbolt and a chain.
2. The interior kitchen door from the basement, which has no lock -- NO LOCK!?!? Keep breathing.
3. A separate kitchen door, which is reached from a back covered patio area that I don't use because the owner of the house has paint and tools stored there and because when I opened that door ants and smells of toxic paint and mustiness came in, and which has a doorknob lock.
4. A side door, which is reached from the outside by climbing stairs to a side porch and which has 1 working deadbolt and 1 non-working deadbolt. This side door is between the kitchen and the staircase leading to the second floor, and I do not use the side door because the side porch and the outside of the side door and its screen door are rotten and filthy. (I don't use the basement either, which contains the house's washer and dryer, because it is extremely cluttered with the owner's possessions and smells like mildew. I wouldn't want Jorji the cat to go down there any more than I would want to. I'm just here for the summer, and there's no time for or point in tackling every space in or around the house, so I was strategic in how I occupied the house.)

In surveying the entrances, I realized that there was no way to lock door number 2, through which the owner had entered. If someone got into the basement, such as with a basement door key which the owner obviously had, they could get into the rest of the house by climbing the stairs to the kitchen and opening a door with no lock.

I also suddenly realized that the first noises I had heard from upstairs were made by our uninvited visitor opening the front door, not being able to get in because I had the chain on -- which I always do when I'm home -- and then slamming that door shut before entering through the basement door. Keep breathing.

So, the front door seems secure from the inside, as the chain repelled the uninvited visitor. That means I have 3 doors to secure, including 1 interior door that currently has no lock whatsoever but which I now noticed used to have a latch; more on that in a moment.

I'll add here, as part of the security assessment, that I didn't have the sense that the uninvited visitor was dangerous, and that in any case I do know self-defense (which starts with the mind; I was able to have the uninvited visitor leave by de-escalating the intense energy, without physical altercation). I had the sense that he has dementia. 

When I first met him to tour the house, he seemed cheerful, friendly, and mentally fit. He also gave me a tour of his own house, the coach house set back behind the "front house." I didn't think that having him living next door as it were would be a problem.

Every time I saw him after the first time, however, there were cracks in that happy personality. He started to share too much information about himself. I could tell that he forgot things he'd said or promised, such as that there would be a window air conditioner in the house; there wasn't, and he didn't seem to remember promising one. (Shady negotiation tactic, or senility?)

Moreover, a mean, depressed, and chaotic personality started to emerge. He'd ask in his nice personality if I wanted to extend my lease past summer, then he'd go into his mean personality and be curt and clipped with me and ttry to bully me into promising I'd only stay through summer. I would always remain the same as I always am, and would reply: a summer lease was the deal, are you trying to change the deal, because I'm not trying to change the deal, and we don't even need to talk about the deal because the deal is done. 

I was getting tired of his split personality quite honestly, and of never knowing which one I'd run into. 

I wasn't trying to run into him at all. But he started coming by the house unannounced, and peeking into the window at the top of the porch by the front door, which seemed like unusual and creepy behavior and which bothered me. 

For example, I stopped reading in the living room on my comfy $60 yard sale sofa from a local family, because the landlord would press his face to the window from outside and look at me and want to talk to me. I started reading in the reading nook I set up on the second floor, to have some privacy. But why shouldn't I be able to enjoy my living room in my summer serenity cottage?

More than once when I have had guests and we have been sitting in the living room or dining room, my guests said, um, Valerie, there's an old man pressing his face against the window. And I'll look, and there is the landlord, by the front door, peering in and wanting to come in. One friend said he is a "peeping tom." 

I think this behavior is indeed upsetting and intrusive, and sad and ridiculous, and must stop. And now it has gone over the edge into invasion.

His behavior had actually already gone over the edge of propriety. Speaking of TMI from this fellow: on the very first day of the lease, June 1, he had a breakdown. He got mad when I asked when the house would be cleaned as I had found 4 dead bugs and lots of grime and filth on walls, windows, floors, and all surfaces. 

He suddenly shouted that I should get out and he'd give me my money back; then he started weeping and telling me he was breaking up with his girlfriend, that at 78 he was still sexually active and his girlfriend wouldn't sleep with him, and did I have a boyfriend. 

Oh my goodness how smarmy! And weird and disconnected! How unacceptable and smarmy and weird and disconnected! I was moving into my own for serenity, and some guy was giving me smarmy! While he was crying! As the kids say: he was a creeper! I told him that that was enough conversation and we needed to keep things on just a friendly and professional level, with no shouting and no oversharing, and I needed to arrange for a professional cleaning -- clearly, handling cleaning was up to me, out of my pocket. 

Looking back, maybe I should have gotten out and taken my money back right then and there. But my regular place was uninhabitable, I had to get away for at least the summer during an awful roof noise and vibration situation at my regular place, everything was all arranged at the cottage in terms of my having already had specially-purchased furniture and other items sent there and having movers coming in a couple more days with some items from the regular place, and I figured I wouldn't have to see this guy anymore for the rest of the summer if he didn't pull himself together. A friend said maybe he was just having a bad day?

I also see now that whenever I was with a friend, this man showed his nice personality. When I was alone, the bullying personality crept out, fused with the creeper personality, and I finally told him to stop acting like a bully and to treat me like the paying customer I am; treat me with respect and respect my privacy and boundaries, or we will no longer communicate. 

He was once alone with a friend of mine who was helping me get settled and who is no longer talking with me. There's no connection there, right? The break in this friendship is due to things I did, right? Or what did this guy say to my friend?

I heard him bullying a woman in a car outside the house one morning -- a daughter? -- as he shouted at her and she said get in the car and he said "are you gonna give me some money?" 

Does he just like bullying women? Shame on bullies; shame on bullies of women.

As for danger, I'm not worried, though of course even if someone isn't behaving violently now, the escalating intensity and negativity of the behavior is not a good sign, is it. 

And, even though the house is in what is considered a safe area, that doesn't help if someone has a key! Making sure the cottage is as secure as possible does seem like a good idea in any case as well as in this specific case, so I decided to take this opportunity to assess and strengthen my home security vis a vis those with or without a key.

I share all of this not to judge or condemn, but because I want to tell what happened and because writing it helps me make sense of it. 

And because, dementia or no, that individual has now bullied the wrong woman. 

Yes, it is well known that I was a lawyer in my first career, and it is also well known that while I am a kind and compassionate and upbeat person, these characteristics are not to be abused. I am an infinite lady of the highest order, with a serene fire or a firey serenity inside me, and I do not tolerate bullies or coercion or disrespect or any impingement upon freedom. I stood up to a bully when I was 7, and have continued to do so ever since. I think that that childhood bully might still regret bullying.

I stand for the coming Golden Age of empathy and equality. Which means not only that I treat others that way, but that I am to be treated with empathy and equality, too.

Security solutions

To start, I put a kitchen stool against the kitchen door from the basement (door number 2 on the list above, the door that was breached and that has no lock -- just a now-interesting bracket where it seems there used to be a latch. Did previous tenants need a latch, too?). 

Next to the stool, I placed a heavy box of pots and pans -- a new set that I bought for the cottage and haven't used because it has been too hot and humid to cook and the kitchen is unventilated; the items will come in handy at my regular place though as I really do need a new set). I put a tote bag full of chocolate (difficult to store in a hot humid house but that is another story) on top of the box. 

These items wouldn't keep anyone out because not only does the door not lock, it opens out away from the kitchen, not into the kitchen. But my arrangement would at least cause more noise and delay so that I would be more prepared if he came back again the same way. 

Solution side note: Do you remember the ad for the show where someone's wife or someone tells the main character to beware of danger, and the main character replies: "I am the danger"? That's how I feel. Not like a victim, but like someone whom it would be foolhardy to antagonize any further.

Another solution side note: Do you also remember the scene in Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) dir. John Hughes (set in the Chicago area too), where Jennifer Grey's character, Ferris Bueller's sister, kicks a home intruder unconscious? In the kitchen. With a single kick or three kicks depending on how you interpret the cinematography. The intruder is her high school principal, though she doesn't know this in the agitation of the moment, who has broken into her family's home to try to catch Ferris Bueller playing hooky. [video clip] 

I believe in non-violence, and as I mentioned I also know self-defense, a la Jennifer Grey If you saw my Merry Splits-mas series from this past Christmas, you know I have the flexibility. After the kick(s), the kicking character in the movie calls the police on the unconscious kickee. I know how to call the police, too. Let's hope it doesn't come to that. And I know how to call the guy's son, to come and get him. Let's hope it doesn't come to that, either.

Moving on, I put the second kitchen stool against the kitchen door from the covered porch (door number 3), placed some books onto the stool (I have good books all over the cottage, and we book-lovers know they come in handy for more than just reading!) and jammed some boxes between the stool and the doorknob. Again, this would not keep out someone determined to get in, but would make noise and buy time.

And, I placed a chair under the doorknob of the front door with the chain, and a swiffer/broom/box/bottle set-up by door number 4, the side porch door.

While assessing the doors, I also noticed that the door at the top of the stairway to the second floor has a lock and a latch. Isn't it interesting that previous tenants might have thought they needed that, along with the (removed) latch on the door between kitchen and basement? 

I didn't lock or latch or even close that door, because I like to let Jorji have the full run of the house. If you know cats, you know that they decide what is their domain, and it is usually everything! Her cat room (did I tell you she has a cat room? I don't think I did! More on that in a future post!) is downstairs off the dining room as is the guest bedroom, and I sleep upstairs; she likes to roam all parts of her domain, day or night. 

I could have set up a temporary litter box for Jorji upstairs, but I didn't think I needed to lock myself and Jorji onto the second floor. Instead, I put a suitcase behind the upstairs door, and a pouf/ottoman in front of it, securing this arrangement in such a way that Jorji couldn't accidentally shut the door and prevent herself from being able to go downstairs, while leaving just enough room for her to slip out past the pouf to the staircase. 

Again, this wouldn't keep out anyone who had already gotten that far, but it would provide another obstacle that would create sound and delay.

Did I go too far in booby-trapping the doors? Or maybe you think I didn't go far enough and you would have abandoned the cottage altogether? Or taken some other step?

The night passed uneventfully. 

That is, I was still feeling stress from the incident, even with my Nature walk, and talk with my mom, and meditation, and security assessment and plans. I woke up a couple of times during the night, and slept for 7 hours though I could have used more. 

At least the night was untouched by external sources, after a trying day.

Old days, new day

This morning, I was determined to find and buy interior door hardware, for my handyman to install tomorrow.

I was also scheduled this morning to meet my dear friend Richard Dayhoff, who is a designer of elegant and minimalist fashion, a sharp thinker, a meditative soul, and a creative genius! 

I gave Richard the chocolate he so kindly ordered as Customer Number One of my new online shop for craft chocolate items found nowhere else in either Chicago or in the US. 

We picked up our Lost Larson bakery order. 

We talked about all manner of topics. We theorized about all manner of topics. We basically saved the world and started a new one : )

And, we got my door hardware!

Richard was kind enough to accompany me to the Andersonville Hardware Store, where I've shopped previously for the cottage, and where I'd planned to purchase interior latches or the like so that if I'm at the cottage, even someone with a key won't get in or will be slowed in his attempt. (New exterior locks for if I'm not at the cottage would be another step.)

I told the hardware store owner that this time I needed latches or the like for 3 interior doors because the owner of the house I'm renting came in unannounced due to what seems to be dementia. The store owner recommended a chain for the door that was entered, and sliding latches for the other 2 doors. This made sense to me, and I purchased the items. 

As I was paying for the merchandise, the store owner and I had a chat about his experience with dementia in his family -- what sad experiences these always seem to be -- and he asked why this particular individual in my scenario was living alone. Good question.

Side note: Andersonville is a charming neighborhood on Chicago's far north side, not far from the cottage; it used to be a village of Swedish immigrants outside the city limits, surrounded by farmland. 

Back when I had my first business, Chicago Chocolate Tours, one of our routes was in Andersonville, and it's fun to see how the neighborhood has changed and become even more vibrant all these years later, while retaining its traditional charm! 

Richard and I talked at one point about the fun we had doing media interviews back in the day -- and he is still doing them : ) -- so here's an upbeat WGN Radio interview I did with awesome and hilarious hosts Bill & Wendy about Chicago Chocolate Tours back in 2014, that I think I hadn't listened to since then!

Back to security: the night of the incident, I booked my favorite handyman on TaskRabbit, and he is scheduled to arrive tomorrow morning to install the interior door hardware.

Questions remain:

~ Will the meeting with the son and his wife and father be rescheduled? 
~ Will the family acknowledge that the dad might need help? 
~ Will the remaining six weeks of my planned stay at my summer serenity cottage be serene?
~ Will I even stay during the remaining six weeks? (The son wants me to stay longer, which is nice of him.) 

~ Will I be able to read in the living room in peace?  

As insightful Richard said today, in a dramatic TV voice: "next on Oprah..." to highlight ironically or with dark humor the drama of an absurd or even tragic situation. I love that Richard in particular said this, because as a designer he has dressed Oprah Winfrey and appeared on her show twice; how perfect is that! [video clip]

I needed to share this extremely non-serene episode from the summer serenity cottage, and I will keep you posted. 

Here's to positive outcomes!

Your friend in decorating,

Valerie (photo below by Richard, who also took our double selfie above!)

More house highlights on Telegram!

Looking for me at Chocolate Uplift? Here I am on Instagram!

Feel free to say hi via email as well: valerie.beck@post.harvard.edu.

Thank you!